I have been on a posting hiatus. I know. Yell at me more often to post. Maybe it will happen. Perhaps I just might find time to post between all the running around, nay gallivanting, I am doing with my boss, of course whom which I am haing an affair.
What you didn't know that I was atttacted to balding, 60 year old, real estate lawyers*? Me neither, but appearantly his wife knew it. She then called my husband to inform him that I was cheating on him. You know because the two rides home my boss gave me qualifies as an affair.
So with my new roots as an adultress, I dare anyone to piss me off. Fine, but your husband will be next on the list. Oh and when I am questioned about it I promes to deny any accusations or possibly try to pass it off as the husband's fault!
Confused yet? Writing while pissy can screw an otherwise elegantly planned blog about knitting.
So The short version or the long version? I knew you'd want the gory long version...
Last thursday, The Boss and I sat throught the closing from Hell (probably from the same level as the door mystery) and finished up about 10 minutes before 5pm. I, being the environmentalist I am (and in no way a dislover of driving), I carpool to work with my husband. The Boss mentioned that this closing may have made it a beer night and offered to let us leave early. I having no ride declined, but The Boss preposed that he would give me a ride no problem. I saw a paid 10 minutes leave and I took it! The Boss gave me the 5 minutes ride home (I live thisclose to work). Y'all he drove so slowly, he never got past 20 miles an hour, that my husband who left work at 5pm and works 15 minutes away actually pulled in the driveway as I was exiting The Boss's car.
Unfortunately, The aforementioned closing from Hell was postponed. It continued Friday after lunch during which nothing was accomplished. Finally, after getting the crazy people out of the office at 4pm, The Boss decides its another beer night and lets everyone off early again. Once again, I declined due to the lack of ride, and The Boss drove me home. Husband arrived 10 minutes later, because he always gets off early on Fridays.
Saturday night (approximately 9:30) the husband and I are watching the last episodes of Farscape, which are greatly increasing the I-want-a-baby-with-you symptoms, and we get a call for a missed number. Sorry, no Curtises like here, though I like the name for a future male child. What do you think love-of-my-life? (Because for some strange reason alien battle shows make me romantic.)
Then, three minutes later the phone rings again. I answer it again. Hello? _______________ click. That was about the extent of the conversation. I answered, no one responded and I hung up. When the phone rang again, I handed the phone to the Husband. (He sounds big and strong, he'll scare them off.) Said husband has a 10 minute conversation inwhich he had four responses. I'll list them in order of appearance for you:
1. Like ten minutes.
4. I'll talk to her about it.
Then he hangs up. I thinks to myself What did your mother have to say? in the he split second before he states, "Brenda is insane." Brenda is The Bosses wife. Why is she calling us at home and why is she talking to you? "She thinks your having an affair with The Boss." WHAT?! Jen's brain goes into shock. "Apparently, you complain at work about how I ignore you for Warcraft and someone saw you riding around with The Boss a lot this week and she doesn't think it will look good for his business." (Note to self; Do not complain about M's warcrafting around stupid wife.) I had no response, I was laughing too hard.
I was not laughing when at work today I spoke to said The Boss. I tried to tell The Boss that my husband recieved a call from Brenda and that I would not be accepting anymore rides home. The Boss refused to talk about it, only repeatly apologizing and calling the situation "Nuts." I did not mention the fact Brenda implied we were having an affair, because shrivled p3nis = gross.
Nor was I laughing as I looked for an opening in the conversation with his wife. I discussed it with co-workers, who work for another attorney and ARE the other attorney in the office on how to best bring up the subject. We decide the phrase, "Oh by the way, M said you called him Saturday and that I needed to speak with you." It doesn't sound accusatory, or place any blaim and most importantly it doesn't call her crazy to her face. I tried this line about 3:30ish today. At first she denied it and started to splurt out this story about recieving weird phone calls herself. When I was genuinely confused and asked her to explain this, she tried to say someone called both my her and my husband. Trying to clarify things and to let her know that I knew she was lying I said, "Saturday night after my husband spoke with on the phone with you RIGHT next to me on the couch. He said that I should speak with you. Do I need to speak with you?" She replied that my husband had called her and there was nothing that she could think of that she needed to talk to me about.
Okay, now I realize that my Master's degree is in agriculture, but does she really think that I am that dumb? Does she not think my husband will talk to me when some one accuses me of adultry? Does she really not understand that all people, husbands and wives, complain about their significant other? Is she so insecure with her husband that she thinks he will run off with the legal aide? Do I look like the type of person who digs shrivled p3nises? And why on God's green Earth does she believe old people actually have sex?
*Dude, if I was having an affair with a lawyer, M and I would not be having the monetary issue of which house we can afford. Furthermore, if I was going to have an affair with a shrived p3nis, I'd at least pick someone who's old and built, like Hulk Hogan. So there you go, now you can form a list of suspects when it comes time for me to have an affair.