May 29, 2007


Suppose that one was knitting, oh let's say...a hat for a small child. A multicolored hat each with it's own pattern-just for kicks. Let's assume, just so all our toddler hat knitting theories are the same, that this hat starts like any other hat knitted in the round, with a certain number of stitches cast on and then the stitches on each end switched, like one would do for socks. Followed by row upon row of all knit stitches resulting in a stockinette pattern presumably, but we all know this is just in theory of course.

So far this hat sounds pretty basic, even with it's flashy many colored patterns. Even a novice knitter could become bored with how easy this theoretical hat is. So, just for the sake of make believe, lets NOT change colors and patterns as you go round and round, but instead knit the colors/patterns in a vertical strip! So here you go knit-knit-knitting the first strip to a length of 9 inches, figuratively naturally. Clackity-clack-clack go your pretend metal needles in your head, or no sound at all if you use wooden needles in your mind's eye. (HA! You just put a needle in your eye, silly wooden needle users. Betchya never thought that would happen with a wooden needle. I pity your substandard needle, but I digress...) The second strip would attach to the left of the first one until the point of abstractly seven inches leaving the top two inches to flop around as they please. This pattern of changing yarns as you go along would continue until you made it all the way back around the first strip. Not real hard for imaginary knitting, eh? All that's left to do then is zip a spare length of thread through the backside of all those existential swatches at the seven inch mark and draw shut. Wah-la! You're done. Easy peasy. You whipped that out in fraction of the time it would take it other knitters. You practically knitted it in your head!

However, Murphy's Law states that you can make nothing idiot proof, because they keep making better damn idiots. Ergo, since easy patterns are for doofuses (doofi?), you will always get stuck helping dorks, who couldn't find their way between a ball of yarn and the end of it their holding. Hypothetically, what if I, err a friend of mine, was having trouble keeping the length of the panels the same, while making sure that the ending point for attachment is at the same height as the other rows? that is I-she!-wonders "Why for some reason would the attachment gradually shrink from 7 inches to say 5 1/2 inches while still being level with the last attachment to the right?" It boggles the mind.

You would tell her, "Obviously, the gauge changes with each new pattern, that is why you knitting isn't working out." But secretly think to yourself, "Well, if you are knitting to 7 inches...7 inches is 7 inches and the gauge shouldn't affect it. Doofus."

ARGH! I am not clever enough to keep this up. I have switched from discussing hypothetical hats to and internal dialogue with me and my schizophrenia.

Basically, I have made an easy pattern hard and I have no idea how. None. Nothing. Zero. Zlich. Nada. No comprenda mi knitting! My Memorial Day (weekend) project has obviously not turned out to be the success I had hoped to blog about. Sorry my internet friends, no FOs today.

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