August 21, 2005

Forever changing

It's very frustrating trying to discover who you are. It's an ever changing concept that never seems to fit quite right. How much do you give in to avoid a fight without seeming weak? How many of your problems do you hold in and how many to you complain about? Where exactly is the line between standing your ground and being a bitch? I use role models as a point of reference. For example, a t.v. role model I like is Sydney Bristo on Alias. She has problems and deals with them effectively, sometimes. Given she is a televsion character and her world is completely at the whim of the writers, still she always stands her ground on what she feels is right. I like that. So in my daily life I try to have values that are worth standing up for.

My husband has an awesome set of values and not only stands up for them, but tries to carry them out on a daily basis. He believes in kindness, which is one of the many reasons I love him. He is always willing to help out a friend in need. I believe this is an trait that many people are missing, and even have found myself in the throes of selfishness. I believe that God gave my husband this characteristic, so that other would learn the love of God. However, no matter how much I try to develop myself in His image, to incorporate kindess or strength, I find myself lacking in another area. It's never the same area and sometimes my failures repeat themselves. How does one not explode with imperfections? Or let the tiny little things build up in to a steaming pile of dog poop?

Discovering myself is enough to drive me to insanity. When I have a good day (as I managed to have all last week) I can forget my problems and enjoy life. But on other days I need help. This is why I think church is helpful. I need support from people who understand what it feels like to flounder. My husband doesn't believe in the church. He thinks they are so caught up in ceremony and rictuals, they have forgotten the true meaning of worship. But I can feel God when I sing my hymns out of tune and when my sunday school teacher reminds me of the real meaning of humanity. God's only Son was for a short time human so that He could find out what sin felt like. It weighs down heavily and is forever evolving. Just as I am for ever changing.

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